One of the things that shaped my personality the most as a young woman was my dangerous relationship with alcohol.  Using it has prevented me from getting a law license, led to two arrests, ended relationships, caused weight gain and depression, ruined what should have been good memories, put me in dangerous situations, and depleted my finances.  I am finally over the addiction, and I feel so strong and accomplished.  I would like to share the highlights of my story.

The first time I got drunk, I was 12 years old.  My family is full of heavy drinkers, and I was left unsupervised at my aunt’s party in a trailer park near Cedar Springs Lake.  I had 3 to 4 mudslides (which, to a young person, taste like milkshakes).   That night, I was sexually abused by my cousin – a foreshadowing of the blurred lines of consent while intoxicated.  I stayed up half the night vomiting, and the other half I spent dry heaving.  My grandfather and other family members learned of the incident and stayed with me that night to make sure I didn’t suffocate on my own vomit.  They were upset, but not upset enough to tell my mother.

Exhibit A: Mudslide.

     The next few years were my happiest.  I had great friends. I did well in high school, and I met my first love.  Not much happened with regard to alcohol abuse until I was 18 and started working at a local bar.  At that time, my boyfriend had moved overseas (he was not an America citizen, just here to study), and I tried to be strong through that experience but the truth was that I was devastated and heartbroken, and it would take me several years to recover.  I got a job at the bar because I wanted money and I had been waiting tables for 4 years at a breakfast joint.  I felt it was time to move somewhere that I could make “real” money.  The bar was fun, and I did make money.  The downside of that was that I got involved in a lifestyle that was dirty and too advanced for my age.  I tried to see myself as an equal to the patrons of the bar. But I was in high school, and these people had careers and spouses.  I didn’t fit in.  I also didn’t understand that seasoned drinkers have the ability to know which alcohol they can handle and how much of it is safe.  I, as a new drinker, lacked that ability.  I frequently left my tables to go behind the building and puke.  I would sometimes wake up in my bed and not remember how I got there.  I gave out my phone number, kissed people, went to after parties with strangers, drove through residential neighborhoods with enough alcohol to be poisoned. I was a disaster.   How could this happen?  Well, my parents didn’t know. I worked frequently and I was still in school danced on a team in my free time.  I wasn’t home and we didn’t talk unless it was about serious things like graduation and the like.  And, I saw the whole thing as an experience.  I laughed it off.  I didn’t take it seriously.  When we are young, we feel invincible.  When that is mixed with alcohol, life is more like a tango with the grim reaper.

On the left: High School Junior at a football game; On the Right: The Manhattan’s Cocktail Waitresses   

 When I started college, binge drinking ceased to be something I had to be embarrassed about.  It was what everyone did on the weekends.  I was especially popular since, throughout the four years in college, I worked as a bartender at a Middle Eastern restaurant, a cocktail waitress at an American bar, and a server with a “hook up” on drinks at a club.  I had an older boyfriend who always kept alcohol on hand.  Though I was so young and should have been focusing my energy on landing my dream career or getting impressive internships, I was so content with drinking nonstop and making money that I failed to realize all the opportunities I had been missing.

Just a casual Sunday in college. 

  I should not give the impression that I was a loser, however, because that is far from the truth.  While I did go out too much and drank over what would be considered healthy or normal, I also held several leadership positions and was a great influence on campus.  I was President of Student Government, Membership Vice President of my sorority, and President of Phi Alpha Delta Pre-Law Society.  In addition, I competed in Model Arab League and organized the competition on campus my senior year (that’s something like Model U.N., but with Arab States).  I also worked in a retail shop, a title office, and a NGO throughout my college years.  I went through two “serious” relationships (one ended because he asked me to marry him and I didn’t want that, and the other guy cheated on me, stole money from me, and was verbally abusive about my weight – I weighed 160). All the while, I was keeping it together on the surface, but I was absolutely drowning.  I was legally able to buy alcohol, so I didn’t have to sneak around anymore in bars and clubs. I began to pack on weight, my skin became dry and lost its youthfulness, and my self esteem was just plummeting.  Again, no one knew.  I lived alone, my friends were all binge drinkers and when I would get sick or be hungover, they would laugh about it.

I’m on the right, looking very official.  Model Arab League Exec Meeting, 2007

     My best friend at the time, a gorgeous woman named Amanda, built my confidence a little bit by just being a companion.  But, she also unintentionally added to the problem.  She was beautiful with long blond hair and legs for days.  She was friends with all the beautiful men in our social group – she even lived with one of them.  She was thin, carefree, and smart – all the things I (thought I) wanted to be.  Anytime she wanted to go out, I was there.  I usually even offered to pay.  Something about being around people I felt were “better” or “cooler” than me made me drink twice as much as I normally would.  I wanted to fit in, but I didn’t have the confidence. Drinking gave that to me.  It made me happy and feel like I could be a part of this group.  The truth was, I was never really in it.  People knew me, but I didn’t have any friends there.  I was a laughing stock.  And I continued to be promiscuous, make horrible choices, go out to dumb places and spend money I didn’t have – all to make myself feel like I belonged.  This was a dark time, but not the worst.  That was yet to come.

My idol, Amanda.

     Some of my biggest mistakes up to that point were cheating on my boyfriend, getting kicked out of a bar for underage drinking, being intimate with a professor, attempting solicitation, wrecking a car on an icy bridge, contracting a (curable) disease, screaming at friends or romantic interests in public, lying about my ethnicity and my history, and driving drunk repeatedly.  All of those things were tied to alcohol.  All of my dirtiest deeds and misfortunes occurred when I was under the influence of alcohol.  So, why didn’t I snap out of it?

The reason I continued is not that simple.  There are the obvious explanations:

• I lack self-discipline;
• I was addicted to alcohol;
• I didn’t feel the consequences of my actions; and
• It made me feel better.

And the not-so-obvious reasons:

• My father was a heroin addict (as some research shows propensity for addiction may be genetic);
• I had untreated depression and anxiety;
• I felt a lot of pressure as the first person in my family to go to college;
• We were always poor and rejected from many places when I was young and I never let go of that feeling;
• My friends and my family (except my mom) always seemed to be drunk, so I didn’t understand the big deal; and
• Despite continuing to drink, I was relatively successful.

The funny thing was, I didn’t consider myself to be an alcoholic during this period of my life.  I knew that I was a “binge drinker”, and I knew that alcohol had led me to some poor decisions, but alcoholics in my mind were people who could not go one day without drinking.  I wasn’t at that stage.  I had 2 or 3 days during the week when I didn’t have any alcohol.  I also didn’t normally keep alcohol at home, just drank when I went out.  All of that stuff to me meant that I was still in the clear.

Reflecting on it now, I have the same impression that I am sure you all do, “How the fuck do you look at that and not see alcoholism?”  I have shed many tears once I allowed that Pandora’s box to open, and I remembered all of the embarrassing moments I had as a drunk idiot.  But, for whatever reason, I never heeded advice when people told me to slow down.  I never considered it to be a problem since I had no real health risks, I had graduated from college, and I had never been arrested.  All of that was about to change, however, when I decided to go to law school.

 

To be continued.