My stepfather, let’s call him Ron, who I hope never ever finds out about this blog, reminds me of the governor in Tim Burton’s Nightmare Before Christmas.  You know the one.  He is charming and friendly, but one small provocation and he turns into an angry destructive force.  The trait pops doesn’t share with the governor is his remorse for his own personal life and his propensity to cheat on my mother.  My father’s latest and greatest affair happened right before – you guessed it – I started law school.

This time, he chose his ex-wife, a particularly unsavory (and extremely unattractive) hag named Renee.  Renee is one of those sorry older women who never quite grew up.  Though she is well into her 50’s, she owns several tanning salons and believes that her female teenage employees actually like her.  She drives a convertible that makes her double chin and shoulder fat flap in the wind ever so carelessly.  She lives in a large, 2-story home by herself and drinks and parties daily to mask her bitterness for being old and alone.  The affair started quickly and unexpectedly, and it lasted nearly 2 years.  During that time, my stepfather depleted his savings and retirement funds (which actually belonged to my mother as well since she has been a housewife for 20 years), he was hospitalized for having a stroke, and he shattered our family and my faith in him permanently.

The first time I learned of the affair, I was about 24.  My mom told me that Ron came home at 4 am one evening. When she asked where he was, he told her that he was out with his friends and she had to just deal with it.  My mom is not the best at just “deal[ing] with it.”  She started asking him his whereabouts all the time and finally knew he was having an affair.  “I just know it, he’s done this before,” she used to say.

I don’t quite know how my mom found out it was Renee. Nonetheless, it was shocking news to all of us.  Renee and my father used to party together when they were young.  They broke up and went their separate ways, and she showed up a year later with a baby, swearing it was Ron’s.  Classy broad.  Now, Ron is about 5’8” with hazel eyes, dark brown hair, and fair skin.  The child, now 38, is 6’6” with bright green eyes, olive skin, blond hair, and no features similar to Ron.  He refuses to get a DNA test (they are old now, I guess it makes sense), but everyone has their suspicions.  Renee was a loose woman to say the least, and she still is for that matter.  Who knows whose baby she ended up with.    We found out that Renee initiated the conversation.  She asked Ron if they could meet to “catch up” and discuss what is going on in each other’s lives.  In case you missed it before, this child is completely grown.   There is absolutely no reason to “catch up” with an ex if you are in a new relationship.  You discuss your children until they are 18, then you get out of their lives and focus on your new spouse.

Oh yeah no, this looks legit.

Obviously, Ron took the bait.  That opened some Pandora’s box of feelings, I suppose, as it spun into a disgusting 2 year affair.  I don’t remember the order of everything, so the events below are not exactly chronological, but they are all absolutely true.  Before I get to that, I want to talk a little bit about why it happened.  I spent a lot of time thinking about what brought them to that point.  An indiscretion is one thing, but he just took a two year dump on my mother and all of us.  I want to believe there is a good reason, something I don’t know.  I didn’t find any of that.  I did reason, however, that he was bored out of his mind.

My mom is a housewife, and she has been since they got married.  She is definitely not a sexually adventurous person (I know that because during this affair she shared a whole lot of things she shouldn’t have).  She is predictable – she doesn’t go out, she doesn’t drive at night, she doesn’t travel…and she doesn’t cook often (nor does she seem to really care about her cooking), and she was not a very good housekeep until very recently.  Those all seem like negative things, but I don’t mean them in that way.  She is not concerned about anything besides her family and she doesn’t do anything that would shock any of us.  That’s a good quality, I think.  In a marriage, however, men have to have a little fun.  Not with other women, but they need to do spontaneous things with their spouse; take trips; go out on dates; make a sheet fort in the living room – it doesn’t matter!  Just something out of the ordinary (and that includes intimate activities) from time to time.  I think this is what was missing from their marriage.  Sweet words and consistency are nice – but no variety will kill a relationship.

I would like to clarify, however, that I am NOT justifying the affair.  There is no excuse.  If you’re bored, say something.  Don’t f**k over the people who depend on you.

Now, back to what happened.  Renee set out not only to destroy the marriage, but she also intended to destroy my mother.  She went about this in several different ways:

1. She separated the extended family. Since my father was previously married to Renee and she had a child with him (who was close with our extended family), she did not hide the affair.  She told everyone that he was back with her.  She gossiped to anyone who would listen about how all my mother does is spend Ron’s money and make him take care of her kids (read: my brother and I).  She labeled my mother an uneducated golddigger, white trash, not worthy of what Ron gave her.  Because Ron’s family is filled with unsavory characters and sociopaths, most of them listened.  His wife of 17 years, who nursed him through his first stroke, paid all of his bills, did all of his laundry, prepared all of his meals, slept with him, waited patiently through his extramarital affairs, took care of all his personal errands, and did everything she knew to do to keep him happy, was suddenly “just using him” for his money. Interesting.

2. She had our utilities cancelled.   Since Renee was married to Ron in the past, she knew his social security number, birthday, likely passwords to accounts, old addresses, mother’s maiden name, etc.  She also knew his current address (i.e. where my mother lived).  So, once every 2-3 weeks, she would call and have one utility or another shut off.   The ones I remember were electricity, the alarm system, and our cable.  Eventually, we password protected the accounts so that she could no longer affect our lives at home.  Can you imagine how desperate someone has to be to go to these lengths?

 

3. She drained my father’s savings. She convinced him to go to lavish restaurants, take vacations, buy jewelry, and anything else she could claw with her fat fingers.  She depleted the chance of early retirement for him.  And I am willing to bet that she did it not just because she is a pathetic whore, but also to make my mom suffer.  My father worked at a great non-profit for 17 years.  He had retirement set.  He traveled often, he was a well-respected director, and he truly enjoyed his employment.  He was, however, planning on getting out of the workforce at 65, and he was all set to do so until she came along.

4. She sent malicious messages to me and my brother. Renee sent me one message before I sent her a scathing response and blocked her. It had personal details about me that she could not have known unless Ron told her.  She mocked me about them.  I was shocked to see that she had the audacity to feel superior to ANYONE, especially the step-daughter of the man she was sleeping with.  My brother played her game a little and messaged back and forth.  He never cared for Ron and he made that clear, but he is a mama’s boy if I ever saw one and he was furious about what she was doing to our mother.

5. She had my brother robbed and beat up. There is no way to prove that she did this, but it is just too great of a coincidence.  In addition to tanning salons, Renee also managed a couple of apartment properties.  My brother lived in one of them before the affair started (for such a big place, DFW is a small world).  My step brother magically found out what apartment my brother lived in and GOT A KEY to access it.  My brother got pretty beat up, his apartment trashed, and several of his possessions broken and/or stolen. Trash just runs through their blood.

6. She pressured my father into abusing substances. As I have stated before, I am aware that no one can make you abuse but YOU.  However, there are many environmental factors which may influence how much, what, or when the abuse takes place.  Ron was always a drinker, but he stuck to light beer (Michelob Ultra and the like).  Renee, however, would have Margarita Wednesdays, Champagne Thursdays, and all the other made-up drinking days which are pathetic to celebrate after college.  My father became a heavy drinker, and he also mixed in some marijuana, ecstasy, and perhaps other substances – who knows.  He is a diabetic, overweight, and already had one stroke.  Using this hard and this frequently put him right back in the hospital for stroke number 2.  She could have literally killed him.

Though my mother told my father about all of these things, he didn’t really believe her.  He thought my mom was hurting and doing what she could to break them up. The thing is, my mom didn’t have to make up any stories about that woman.  The truth was a much better story than my mother could have ever imagineered.  When my father’s eyes were finally opened was when Renee took it one step too far.  She went after the grandbaby. Renee’s fatal blow:

7. She filed a complaint with Child Protective Services (CPS). CPS is the organization in Texas which investigates reports of child abuse and neglect and has authority given by the state to remove children living in dangerous situations.  As I mentioned in my previous post, my mother raises my brother’s first-born son.  At the time of the affair, my nephew was around 11 or 12.  Renee called CPS and claimed that my mother was alcoholic, suicidal, and had guns in the home.  These allegations were seasoned with the truth, but must be qualified.

• My mother developed a temporary binge drinking habit when she believed her marriage was over. I don’t think she was the first or the last person to go through that.

• Suicidal – meh? I think many people flirt with the thought of “what if it all just ended?”  I don’t think that makes one suicidal, but therapists tend to think if the message is in your brain for just a fleeting moment then the alarm must be sounded.  I don’t know that my mother was going through that, but I would not be surprised if she considered it considering the circumstances. I don’t think she would ever, EVER follow through. She loves all of us too much.

• Finally, we had a ton of guns in the house. Probably 50.  But, my mother and I hate guns.  They were inherited by my stepfather when his dad passed away.  His dad was a gun collector and a veteran, and since he was near 90 when he died, he managed to collect quite a few. The guns were kept in a safe with an 8 number combination lock which only my stepfather knew the password to.

• To summarize, it was not likely that my mom was going to commit a drunken murder-suicide anytime soon.

Nonetheless, CPS can’t simply ignore complaints, even when they come from a filthy mistress.  They pulled my nephew out of school (quite unexpectedly to us) and talked to him about his home life.  They also paid us a visit, where we stated what was going on in very clear terms to the CPS worker. Though we suffered a bit of frustration, her attempt to pull our nuclear family apart failed in that regard.

As horrible as the CPS experience was for my nephew and my mother, it is absolutely wonderful that Renee went through with it.  It caused Ron to see what was really going on (and this time, he knew it was real, since CPS called him too).  He left Renee, ran back home, and never looked back.

His homecoming didn’t come without consequences, however.  He did all the usual things that cheating asshats do; he bought my mother a car, took her on a mini vacation to a Colorado resort, got her a HUGE rock…but Renee wasn’t just going to brush off her defeat (why start acting ladylike now, AMIRITE?).  She hit him where it hurts – his job.  See, we found out later that Ron had been taking Renee on his business trips and using his corporate card to pay.  His company allowed spouses to travel free (and even children at a significant discount), but unfortunately for him, there was no company allowance for mistresses.  Since she was his ex wife, she still had a few contacts at the company, and she let them know all about the affair, the trips, and even told them that he didn’t have the degree that was on his resume.  He did lie about a degree (he was about 6 credit hours short of the degree when he dropped out to help the family business) but in his defense, he had been working there for nearly 20 years and proven himself capable (hence quickly becoming an international director).  Anyway, lies always tend to catch up to us, and Ron and his boss had been experiencing a little friction and this was just the fuel the boss man needed to let him go.  Ron was fired within a week of coming home.

At this point, I had a ton of emotions, but the thought which rang the loudest was – MY POOR MOTHER.  Mom was divorced when I was 6 because by biological father was in the weeds with a heroin addiction.  She quickly met Ron, and he they were married within a year.  She stayed by him during his alcoholism, during his first couple of affairs, and completely integrated herself into his family.  Hell, even while he was having the affair, she was taking care of his dying mother at our own home.  She has her flaws, but I am still amazed she stayed with him.

So…why did she?  I mean, anyone reading this would likely see that not only was this a bad affair, but it hurt more than just my mother’s heart.  There are so many reasons, how about another list?!

1. Texas does not have alimony. There is a “spousal allowance” allowed in some cases (e.g. if you have children, if there was domestic abuse involved in the relationship, etc.), but there are no general provisions which help housewives after a divorce.  My mom had been out of the workforce for nearly 20 years and she was in her 50’s.  Getting a job would mean starting out at minimum wage.  She could have done it, but what kind of life would she be looking at?  We have a large 3 bedroom house with 2 living rooms, 2 dining rooms, a pool, and plenty of land.  Moving from that to a shitty apartment with a job at a grocery store would be rough to say the least.

2. She was raising a child. Let’s not forget about my nephew, who was in junior high at the time.  His parents didn’t want him, and my mom was all he had. She didn’t want to disrupt what little security he felt.  Staying in the same house and the same school was something she believed he needed.

3. She didn’t want to be twice divorced. This is something that I understand.  I think after the first fiasco, people just get tired.  They become a little more willing to deal with other people’s shit in order to avoid a messy legal battle and a huge transition in life.  Plus, she thought she was doing the Christian thing to stand by her man (I’m not even going to get started on that right now).

4. She tried dating and it was terrible. My mom joined an online dating site and went out a couple of times. The guys she met were exactly what I expected – 20 years aged since their photo, body odor, visible wedding ring tan line, etc.  Not anything that was marriage material.  Plus, as she put it, she didn’t want to date.  She felt old, and she wasn’t interested in getting to know anyone new.  I hope I don’t just give up like that one day and decline a new chapter in life, but I respect what she felt was right for her.

5. She didn’t want to have to depend on us. This one is the hardest for me to swallow.  My mom knew that if she got a divorce and went out on her own, she would have to call on us for help.  Her extended family can’t even take care of themselves, and my brother and I don’t completely have it together, but we are in a position to keep her head above water and we will do it without question.  She didn’t want that for us.  She wanted us to keep finding ourselves and living our lives without having to support her.

My mother will sacrifice anything for us, and I suppose that is the definition of being a mother.  I know many women who give birth and forget this obligation and that’s so unfortunate.  I have lots of issues with my mom, but I know that if it were between me and anything else on the planet, she would choose me a thousand times over.

Now that the mushy stuff is done…let’s get this over with.  My parents are doing ok now.  There has not been a new affair to our knowledge.  My mom has access to all his accounts and regularly checks his phone and email because she doesn’t trust him (and probably won’t until he can no longer go to the bathroom on his own).  He found another job after 18 months of unemployment and my mom is slowly patching their finances back together.  I moved to Oklahoma with my fiancé, and my brother is still a hardcore mama’s boy.  Ron has tried really, really hard to make a comeback.  He started taking my nephew to Boy Scouts and camping trips.  He started to call and text my mom regularly and take her out once in a while.  He works hard and comes straight home after.  He took a great interest in my law school studies. He’s done that for about three years now and they seem to be doing fine.  But as for me…I just can’t forgive him.  I want to be a bigger person and be able to set aside the fact that he (temporarily) threw our family in the garbage.  I want to believe that it must have been my mom’s fault too.  I want to believe that he was suffering from some demon that made him act out of character.  But every time I think about it, I come to the same conclusion.

He’s an asshole.  And she is a whore (…did I mention that she was married at the time of the affair to someone else as well?).  They will always be that in their core.  I can be pleasant to him since, after all, he does support my mother and he supported me through my adolescence, but I don’t have to like him.  And for now, I choose not to.

P.S. I apologize for the language and general negativity of this post.  The subject matter is difficult for me and though I am generally forgiving, I am still in the anger phase of healing with regard to this one.  Thanks for reading.