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A Tough Day

Miss A Leave a comment

Lately I feel as if I am just going deeper and deeper into darkness.  I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head, I am not sure if I can get them  into this post in a coherent fashion, but I will do my best.

In some of my other posts, I have detailed my winding road into alcoholism and depression.  While I worked hard to beat the bottle, I just can’t shake the feelings of self pity and worthlessness. I tell myself that it is all in my head, but arguing with myself never seems to get me very far.

I remember when I was younger, I was so full of life.  There were so many possibilities, I always smiled, I enjoyed myself.  When people talked badly about me, I laughed it off.  I had confidence and grace, I was fashionable, and I loved what I saw in the mirror.  I was also so much more creative, sensitive, and caring.  When I think about that young woman, I can’t help but wonder…where did she go?  What happened here?

I always end up with the same few answers.

  1. I left a job that I loved to enter law school.
  2. I have been arrested twice, and I feel like I have ruined my career and chance at success.
  3. My marriage fell apart.
  4. I let myself go.
  5. I have no real friends left.
  6. My family is often cold and distant.
  7. I am in a financial disaster.

More than those…I am stuck.  I am mentally, physically, and emotionally stuck.  I can’t seem to motivate myself to do anything.  Even though I don’t take meds, I am near the point that I would try an anti-depressant; anything to change this cloud that is constantly hanging over me.  But – no health insurance, because I had health insurance through my job…then I switched over to my (ex) husband’s insurance…then switched jobs to a small employer who doesn’t offer affordable plans…then got divorced and lost my ex’s insurance.  I got on the Marketplace but it doesn’t kick in until January and I think everything is too expensive despite having insurance anyway.

I also became so unhealthy.  I don’t eat right, I barely exercise, I smoke hookah like it’s going to be outlawed, I drink Coke Zero and coffee instead of water…and I know I am doing all of these things, I am aware that it is bad in the moment that I do it, but I can’t change it.  I am really my own worst enemy, and I am starting to lose this fight against myself.

I have been writing this for 2 hours now.  It is incomplete and I have no plot or conclusion.  Can you see what I mean?  Someone help me…

Well, at least I’m not broke.

Miss A Leave a comment

Ah, finances. I truly view money as a necessary evil.  I’m not a materialistic person.  I want to be a millionaire not so I can ring a bell every time I want orange juice, but rather, so I can invest in other people’s businesses, start charity organizations, and be able to be an influential person (I know you can do this as a poor person, and probably more effectively…but I’m not a saint and hunger strikes don’t suit me).

All of those lofty goals are in the future.  Right now, in front of my face, is reality.  Thanks to law school and overall ignorance about money, I am somewhere near $200K in debt. You would think I am incredibly depressed and that it consumes me – but you would be wrong!  I am excited about the debt because paying it off is a project, and it has encouraged me to form a scholarship fund later in life. It also makes me want to publish a story or become a public speaker at local schools to warn kids about what can happen in college and encourage them to save.  I was unbelievably dumb, and I learned a lot about finances in the last couple of years – just in time to start paying for my mistakes.

I would rather not talk about my income, but here is where my money goes currently:

image001

I would encourage anyone who is currently not dead to make a chart like this.  I keep good track of my finances; however, seeing them in a chart like this really causes me to consider whether I am doing the right thing. Let’s talk specifics.

  1. Debt. The largest percentage of my income is going toward my debt.  I think this is a positive thing, because the longer I allow the debt to sit around, the more interest it collects.  Also, the quicker I pay off my debt, the more money I have available to pay on other things.  What I don’t know: Every month, my student loan debt interest exceeds the amount I am paying.  Each month, I am paying down interest, but not any principal. I desperately need to find out whether the Income Based Repayment Plan I am on includes Loan Forgiveness.  If it does – I am definitely going to pay the minimums!  If it doesn’t…I am going to continue to live very humbly and even downgrade a few things to get that bad boy paid off in 5 years.  My other debts include a couple credit cards (I had a brush in with the law a few years back, and it was expensive + I was broke).  I utilize the “snowball method,” which means that I throw all the extra money I can at the smallest debt I have while paying the minimum on all other debts.  Eventually, I pay off those small debts one by one, and use what I would be paying on the small debt monthly contributions to chisel away at the larger debts on my list.  The snowball method has gotten one card completely paid off, one is at 35% utilization, and my big daddy card is at 60% utilization. I also have some things that are not collecting interest, so I continue to make the minimum payments there; but will throw extra cash at them once my cards are paid.snowball
  2. Savings.  Because this chart illustrates my take-home pay, the contributions I make to my IRA (6% of my salary, plus 50% employer contribution) are not included here.  Realistically, I am saving closer to 20% of my salary with that factored in.  I think that is a pretty decent percentage.  Currently, I have $4,700 in savings, and my goal is to increase that to $15,000 before making any serious moves (like buying a franchise, quitting my full time job, etc.).  My savings balance isn’t the worst – but considering I started saving in 2016, I am off to a good start.
  3. Groceries. I don’t eat out much, but my groceries are still out of control.  I LOVE to cook. I live for it.  In my house, a week’s menu may include 4-5 exotic dishes, 2 full gourmet breakfasts, homemade “junk” food, and various other snacks and (occasionally) convenience food.  I don’t know how to save money here.  Help me.  😦
  4. Bad Habits. I promise I’m not buying heroin, but I do occasionally enjoy wine and we have hookah.  I know like I know like I know I need to stop smoking, especially since it is becoming a bit of a problem (e.g. I don’t like to admit how much I smoke it,  sometimes I smoke when I don’t even really want it, etc.).  I have been smoking it socially for over 10 years.  I got my own during law school and used it as a release; and it started becoming a full on addiction about 3 years ago.  I don’t have much else to say.  I know I need to stop, but I know that in the abstract.  So far, I don’t have a compelling reason to besides my (future) health.  Isn’t it crazy that it isn’t enough?  Maybe I should go to therapy or get an accountabili-buddy.shisha
  5. Other. The only other things that are a little ridiculous are mindless spending (Groupon, gourmet food for my animals, subscriptions, etc.).  Cutting these out would save me about $200 a month ($2,400 a year).  Is it bad that I don’t care that much?  I am making a great amount of money, and my partner is as well. We enjoy ourselves, but we also aggressively save.  Besides my debt, what would I spend this on? Oh yeah…
  6. Charity.  Missing from the chart above is CHARITY.  For someone who thinks about animals and those less fortunate more than I think about myself, why am I not donating? Next on the agenda is to decide where I can cut out $100 a month to make a difference.

My long term financial goals are, of course, to get out of debt, start a business, and be able to start my own non-profit.  I don’t have kids yet.  If that happens, naturally my goals will shift to accommodate children’s clothing, college funds, etc.  We’ll worry about that when we get there.

How does this budget look?  Are there things I should change/do differently?  What do you do to cut corners?

 

 

“The List” (dun dun DUNNNN)

Miss A Leave a comment

This blog was created for the purpose of achieving goals.  I have several.  They range from small to colossal, and the effort, finance, and self-gratification that will follow achieving any of these goals will also range form minuscule to mammoth.  But, before I start to work on the goals floating around in my head, I need to get them in print (that is, somewhere besides one of the countless pages of the hundreds of journals and stationary I keep around the house).  I hope to periodically update this list and include an “achieved” section as well as time goes on.  But here you have it folks, the very first version.

Lifetime Goals

(work on these will be broken down into smaller goals over time):

  1. Write a book
  2. Work for the U.N. (or another equally impressive international organization)
  3. Travel the World
  4. Open a no-kill cat sanctuary
  5. Own a cafe
  6. Be a professor
  7. Be extremely fit
  8. Be on television (like, once is ok. I don’t need a sitcom)
  9. Become a millionaire
  10. NOT have a desk job
  11. Be extremely happy
  12. Coach other people to success
  13. Have a second chance program for homeless and addicts in my community
  14. Have a shelter for trafficking victims
  15. Speak fluent Arabic
  16. Be a lawyer (for a period of time, not as a career)

Baby Goals:

(Total list should be completed by April 15, 2016)

  1. Find a place to volunteer related to animals or international affairs (and follow through)
  2. Have an awesome patio
  3. Get my apartment super organized
  4. Research the U.N. and get in contact with someone to introduce myself and express my intentions
  5. Lose 10 pounds
  6. Become a cat sitter 🙂
  7. Pick ONE side hustle (no action needed, just pick one)
  8. Learn to fold a fitted sheet
  9. Prepare a schedule and follow it for one full week

Medium Goals: 

(Total list should be completed by August 1, 2016)

  1. Pay off my credit cards
  2. Pay my other expenses (more on that later)
  3. Have an independent investment account
  4. Have $15,000 in savings
  5. Lose 25 pounds
  6. Learn to read and write Arabic
  7. Get part 1 of my book completed
  8. Make $3,000 in income from side jobs/miscellaneous (anything not coming from my primary full time job counts)

Big Goals:

(List should be completed by year-end 2016):

  1. Lose 50 pounds
  2. Finish my book and self-publish it
  3. Make a comprehensive life goal list/plan (with details and deadlines)
  4. Have a little business, no matter how small it is – something that is registered and real

Current Progress/Achievement List (as of 3/9/2016)

Baby Goals:

Number 6 – I posted an ad on Craigslist to advertise my services as a cat sitter.  I’m not counting this goal as complete until I have an actual client. In addition, I requested franchise information from Fetch.com, a national, established company that offers a more standardized approach to pet care.  It is $15,000, so I’m not ready to open the franchise yet; but I’m keeping it very close in mind.

Medium Goals:

Number 1 – I have one credit card completely paid off.  The second one is going to be paid off by the beginning of next month.  The last one (which is the largest debt and currently only getting minimum payments) is going to be tackled beginning next month and paid off by August.

Number 4 – I have $4,600 in savings.  That isn’t a lot, but considering the fact that I started saving this year, it’s not half bad. There is a slight chance I will have to deplete my savings next month; but I am hoping that doesn’t occur.

Number 7 – I have an outline complete and I have completed a few chapters.  Part one includes all the time that my character is still in the United States.  Once I finish that, I will consider this goal complete.

Big Goals:

Not much going on here yet.  For my business, I am considering some options…but really thinking about starting a publishing company.

Well, that’s all folks.  I have gotten pretty excited writing this, and I hope you are excited for me too.  I really love planning, let’s see how I do following through. Ciao!